God is Dead

.. McDonald’s has replaced him. Or something. Nietzsche didn’t eat a Maharaja Mac in his life or else his quote would have ended differently.
Anyway.

Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Hanlon’s razor is not a disposable one.
I don’t know where that came from but it’s been circumnavigating the corridors of my mind for a while asking to be spit out eloquently in one of the posts.
I’ve noticed the rather sprightly ascent of communalism in recent times. Now if only the global economic markets could borrow a few leads from the communal front, we’d all be gay, err, happy. I was privy to an excellent photographic selection of gory imagery with just the right dosage of “those militant Hindus” underlining it to inspire helluva “liberal” and “minority” wrath. Due obescience paid at the altars of Blame Them deities. It’s the new fad to gnaw at each other’s sentient arm every given opportunity and chew it off, piece by piece. Feral tendencies are “in” this winter.

I am sure I don’t count in the vote bank politics so my actual opinions on this subject are neither courted nor considered relevant by the politburos. I am a godless, born-to-the-majority-religion-converted-to-godlessness-ideology in a country where political forces alternate between snuffing out the “minorities” or placing them on hallowed pedestals. All the while, very carefully, disallowing any attempts at dissolving that whole “majority-minority” issue altogether.

In troubled times that much maligned species of progressive liberals – Class Liberalia, Genus Libre – is possibly more at risk of extinction than any majority or minority community in this country. That term “Liberal” needs to be declared into a witness protection program for having witnessed some serious crimes against it’s own self and continues to watch the perpetrators still at large. People are flinging it loosely, arm-twisting, brutalizing, vandalizing, assaulting and generally abusing it as much as they possibly can. In some social circles my first name evokes disgust while in others my second. Combined together they probably make most zealots want to either kill me or commit suicide. Or do both simultaneously. I’m an atheist and I have fine tuned my personal beliefs to – “God is not the root cause of evil, Evil is the root cause of God.”

After channeling Diagoras of Melos and Barbara Ehrenreich for a while I devised an utterly austere solution.
If you want to avoid church burning, bomb blasts and temple stampedes, just institutionalize atheism. This movement towards the ubermensch must be signalled by turning everybody into godless wretches. Kryptonite for the current communal snafu. Do this and you will never have to deal with another charred train or angry mobs. Also, this is relatively easier than any social awareness run the very able central government may choose to run. The government doesn’t need to do much except run a quick PSA in an Ekta Kapoor daily –

“We currently have no more Gods in this country. Amitabh Bachchan included. Right this moment we commence our term as an atheist democracy. You can thank us later by donating to Rahul Gandhi’s matrimonial fund. Much Love. Sonia Gandhi Dr Manmohan Singh”

This message can be recorded and relayed from some European or American shindig where Dr Singh would feel more at home given the amount of time he spends in these areas, ralliying support for nuclear deals and designer pugs.

So there you have it, right there, thats how you solve a crisis as deep as this. Righteous indignation is all very pretty and awe-inspiring but seriously, you want to risk those frown lines ? In the words of Chris Tucker, Hell No!
Atheism for healthy wrinkle free skin. No Gods. No Botox. Just good, smooth, shiny epidermal bliss.

Now, allow me to continue with my delightful sales pitch in favor of nationalizing Atheism.

Currently, the debate between right wing extremists from all forts is that their God is the only god. Or gods. Their God is prettier and mightier than theother god. Or gods. They are faster, better and more kinetic than other god. Or gods. In short, each thinks that his/her God is the Energizer bunny of all Gods. You mess with my God and he’ll send a thunderbolt down your ass. We all know that given the state of healthcare reform, hip surgeries are not an option.. so, if you made all Gods redundant wouldn’t it automatically sieve out any prospects of athletic competition between the Gods of all forts as well as eliminate all possibilities of lightning striking your butt?
It totally would.

Ignoring the usual pejorative(yeah, atheism and this word is like OJ’s hand in glove. Or not.) undertones and the whole “Oh! You are going to HELL for not believing in it, you godless sodomite!” argument(it’s intelligence never to be doubted of course, coz if anything can make someone change their mind about evolution, birth control and abortion, it has to be the prospect of frying in a large vat of oil, especially now that it’s cheaper by the barrel) that may color this idea otherwise, I also would like to present other concrete ideas as to why atheism is desirable.

To start with ..

I’ve always believed that if you can be an atheist and still care for people, you’re a hundred times more selfless and genuine than anybody tickled in the back of the throat by the suggestion of divine disfavor, however subtle.

Technically not my idea but that of a well educated person I was talking to a while ago. Then again, this blog isn’t read by well educated people so why must we stoop to their level and make logical analytics the order of the day. That kind of intellectual excogitation bounces off my head like light on a shiny, bald surface, so I shall dig for more reasonable reasons.
Like this one.

Atheists, in my experience, look far dishier and have better fashion sense than the religious banshees.

This is what an an Atheist looks like

This what an Un-Atheist looks like

See the difference?
If not entirely convinced by this case study, mail me and I shall revert with my picture and thou shall be done!

The other good thing about Atheism is a significant decrease in the gargantuan traffic jams on religious days – and India is a hotbed of these type of days – when you want to pull out your car’s rearview mirror with your teeth, break it into shards and then scrape your face with the pieces. And then fling those pieces at other commuters.

It will also reduce the 375 government holidays in year that currently dot every government institution’s calendar. This is from a purely selfish standpoint. It will help fulfill my life long dream of owning a landline phone connection, a dream I have cherished for as long as I could spell Alexander Graham Bell. A dream that has been cruelly deferred because recurring festivities have ensured that the request is forever postponed. My application is pushed further and still further till they are done with Aastmi, Navami, Eleventnami, Bhai Dooj, Vat puja, Peepal Puja, Chhoti Id, Badi Id, mid-sized Id etcetra.
What else?

This, perhaps.

“All children are born Atheists; they have no idea of God.” – Baron d’Holbach

If that’s the case and say invoking Atheism ultimately turns us into children -at least mentally – then we, the middle of the class, can settle our scores by more evolved methods as opposed to battling it out with the judicial system as we currently do. Like mud eating contests and pro wrestling death grip matches. The bad kids could be made to sit on garbage cans and chased around the yard with iron knuckles. Courts could be abolished and lawyers made redundant. I know, they already are, to a large extent but this is the final solution.
This kind of legal remedying will be speedy and suspect to little or no misappropriation. The genius of it, I tell ya!

Also, absence of religion can prevent large contingents of growing up kids in the Indian sub-continent from listening to the nerve-grating “Bhagwanji/God/Whoever gave you to me as a gift so mustn’t do naughty things” refrains. Just tell them that playing doctor-doctor with the neighbor’s daughter is no way to ascertain a medical future instead of this pungent mollycoddling.

I had more illuminating points to make but in this sweltering heat I am at the risk of losing my second brain cell to the irradiation caused by constant cell phone usage (I don’t have a landline connection. YET). I am being called by people who inform me that I need to pay INR 500 for a Durga Pujo celebration where I will be forced to ingest huge amounts of Bengali sweets that I may or may not like, all of it made in desi ghee. And after that I need to shell out another 1000 odd to buy an Iftar gift for a friend who will then force feed me at least 6 kilograms of homemade biryani in return. Followed by creamy custard pudding.

Yes, religion is not ideal for the folds on the wallet and the waist. Plus the clashes.
Off with it!

May the Force be with You.